Love and anger.

Being a short tempered person, you tend to lose friends really easily. Also being that one person who wants perfection in everything I do is also not an easy task. As hard as I go on my friends for them doing something stupid, I put myself through x 100 percent of torture for doing something absolutely wrong. That counts trusting someone when clearly he was meant to break your heart, not doing enough for your friend who left the country, not being able to get that one point about why did you lose a bunch of people together at once because they did not give any specific reason, randomly removing your frustration on your parents, shouting at your best friend, telling your sister mean things, shouting at a friend who really gives a lot of fuck about you, knowing that the person is meant to hurt you, watching and feeling things break and many more such "on point" situations which have changed me over the time every time when I have sat and thought about it.

Trusting someone when he clearly was meant to break my heart; because I still loved him with all my heart anyway so you are always ready to give it another try, maybe 4 times more and I will still hang on to it.

Not doing enough for your friend who left the country; could not celebrate her fake birthday but what keeps me going on is that I am in touch with her keeping her happy no matter what.

Not being able to get that one point about why did you lose a bunch of people together at once because they did not give any specific reason; I don’t know if it at all mattered to them but every time I did something, I did it with all my heart and when I would get pissed, it was just another way of showing concern. And then one fine day you are just left with like 3 people at your side and you are still questioning yourself, what on earth went wrong? But never the less you still feel alive from inside when you wave and smile at them.

Randomly removing your frustration on your parents; and then thinking about it over and over again till I scream inside my head for yelling at them at all because they are my life and my support system and they are not some bunch punching bags to remove your frustration on. Takes a lot of courage and guts to go and apologize to them someday and that’s only because they have made me that comfortable with them for to not to go and apologize to them every time I did something wrong.

Shouting at your best friend; just because you got influenced by some stupid theory and that theory later on just turns out to be more and more false. But what mattered was that you are still with her, and she is still there for you. No matter how guilty you feel, if that would have not happened you wouldn’t have known how much this bond means to you.

Telling your sister mean things; because all this while you have thought that she has been getting better things than you and she thinks that you have been getting better things than her. You tell her she is judgmental but don’t you fail to realize how her nature is and who said it is wrong to be judgmental? Like as if you have never been? You both are supposed to help each other grow and not pull each other down. And then you realize how much you love her when she leaves, the bed surely is just empty and there is no one to fight for the ac remote. No one to fight over mother’s love and dad’s gifts and care.

Shouting at a friend who really gives a lot of fuck about you; I mean c’mon for god’s sake after a long time, or maybe for the first time you have found someone who is similar as F to you and you still want to fight with him over petty issues. And that poor little human being is still there to take all your shit. When you cry or when you are happy, to share the smallest of all joys. You just sync so much together that it makes you wonder that where on earth was this person till now? Or was this just the right time to meet that person just because?

Knowing that the person is meant to hurt you; you don’t like this person but you are just bound to trust him and believe for some reason that things are going to work out anyway and still want to give it a try only to know later on that OOPS! He was nothing but a mistake and now you sit here like a fool asking yourself why? But you cherish the moments anyway.

Watching and feeling things break; is there anything positive I can find here? Even hypothetically all that I can say for being really glad and true is that 0.5% I am glad that all of this bullshit happened because I know how it is to break down is and I will feel like 100% better when I go back to being happy. A complete lie. A big fat lie.

What people don’t realize is that short tempered people will not just get mad at others but also mad at themselves for doing something that they had never even imagined to do. They want to do just the right thing for everyone and because we get pissed at something does not mean we don’t give a damn about your feelings. We care, we love and that’s when we shout. Not being okay with things are not going in my way, not because I am so selfish that I want everything in my way. I don’t know if you have noticed but when I was beating myself up with the stupid things I have done in life I was trying to make sure that I have some positive element in it. I do try to be positive. That’s how we all are. That’s how we survive.

So for once when you say to someone or ask someone to change, rather than asking them to change ask them what made them so? It makes you realize even more than you ever could imagine. Don’t ask anyone to change. Anger is bad, yes agreed. It is the worst thing ever in fact. But don’t criticize that person or abandon that person. If you think that helps, you are leaving that person alone with so much stress that you could never even think of. Because that person might be considering you something and when you leave you leave with no strings attached but they still have all of theirs attached to yours. 

Priya Mistry

16^th July’15.