My Heart Bows Two Ways.

 I don't know what is normal; is it to have mixed feelings at once for the similar person? Or having similar feelings for two different people? When you clearly analyze them, they both sound wrong. Or let's just say that the society makes it sound wrong. But keeping all of this aside, why is it that we always demand for options but when we do have options we end up not wanting them saying that 'dammit why not some other way out at all?' Our ardors for things initially are always at its peak. You get obsessed, addicted, engrossed, fanatic, in fact even an extremist towards that one particular subject. Let's just consider that subject to be "Love". You claim yourself to be an aficionado. And maybe that's where we make our first mistake... maybe that's where I made my first mistake.

 Not that it was for the first time, but I was in love. The word which is feared the most by our mind yet adored by our hearts. I was the kind of girl who always wanted to walk miles with one particular person. This story is when I realized that 'Not always whom you love will love you back, in fact not every feeling can be reciprocated always'. It started with a social networking app, which everyone must be aware of, called BlackBerry messenger. It was the phase when BBM had just got updated on android phones. I kept on getting requests back to back. And then there was the unexpected name that popped up, Chad Becker. He was a classmate of my friend Roxanne on their primary school days. We followed each other on Instagram but not that we would converse to each other. That sudden impulse from his side to start talking to me was weird yet starling because he was really forward yet so appealing. Rather let's say his forwardness was what made him appealing. He seemed to be just more than perfect, obviously after the past relationship/s I've had. Soon things were going on a friendly track when suddenly one day he confesses that he has fallen for me. It was strange because we hadn't met yet, we didn't know each other's worse sides and that scared me. As much as I wanted him to stand by my side forever, I was double the insecure of losing him. Though my insecurity didn't pop out until now but surprisingly eventually I fell for him too. Not that I was too lost but Chad was the perfect guy I had always wanted to be with. From his pampering to his kisses all were at its peak. At first, he helped me get over my ex which was the most difficult phase for me. My ex, Aaron, Aaron Dabney. Later came the part of exchanging the ' I love you's and ' I want to be with you forever's. It all just seemed so perfect. After a long time the guy whom I thought I would never trust had made me believe that 'There's something known as love that existed even after you've already fallen for someone before and tagging it love '. Our first meet was at the Starbucks coffee shop and perhaps it started with the awkward silence. We started going out and suddenly it ended there. I was vile, shocked, disturbed, depressed, blank all at the same time. It was all during the hospital phase when things started to go wrong. As much as he had made me believe that you can fall in love again, he had made me believe that guys could still be an asshole. How could someone so nice, someone so perfect just walk out of my life without giving me a reason?  I deserved an answer and I was ready to hold on as much as possible. I didn't stop believing in love but surely stopped believing in him. But the more I was trying to accept the fact that we couldn't get back together out of my self-respect... because of his selfish behavior... because maybe he was not interested in me anymore... because he wanted to get away from this whole "thing”, I was more and more trying to get things in place and in the most foolish way possible. I would get depressed like crazy, would not cry but almost died from inside every day because he was the one whom I supported through his hard times and he had left me when I needed him the most. He didn't do the justice to me just like Aaron didn't. Somewhere in this chasing affair of love is when I realized another lesson that I had learnt, 'The more you know that there's something or someone you can't get, the more you get attracted towards it. It's not always a bad chase but its neither a worthy one' Throughout the whole time I kept on wondering that even though I had started to believe in love again but the guy whom I always wanted to be by my side had made my heart weak yet again. Why it is that someone makes you so comfortable with them and then suddenly decides to just leave you? Why is it that when they do wrong, we should sleep it off and not compare them to what the others had done? People love to get praised but no one likes to be juxtaposed to something or someone extreme that they had done to someone else's? That's something similar that I faced when I was comparing Chad and Aaron for leaving me without any reason.

The story behind Aaron was something what like a typical college love affair story. It started with me starting to notice the stares and then becoming the runner up for Ms. Fresher and him winning the title of Mr. Fresher. I kinda fell for him right then and there. It continued with the stares and then the sudden conversation and BOOM! In two days we started to date. He made me believe that "You don't always need to know people, you can simply fall in love and then know each other." The way he asked me out was kinda cute because he was immensely nervous as he was asking a girl out for the first time. When he called me to meet him up I thought that he was going to make me understand that nothing could happen between us as it was too early and it was important for us to know each other more. He took me out to Cafe Coffee Day and he held my hand.  The next thing I know is that he is holding my hand and I'm blabbering stuff out like, “I know that nothing is possible and that's the reason why you've called me over here." Aaron held my hand; his deep brown eyes gazed into mine immensely. And suddenly what I hear is. "Will you be my girlfriend?” My heartbeat stopped for a moment and I was dumbfound. I said a yes and the immediate response was, "Your time with me is going to be like a roller coaster ride." Slowly things went ahead and from a stranger we become best of friends and the uncanny part was this was happening while we were in a relationship. So it's like experiencing a whole new of someone by being in a relationship rather when it’s supposed to be the opposite. Things didn't really turn out to be that well but we were still holding on to each other. Then came the point when I was again left out alone and he had no explanations to be given. I was hurt because I was in a relationship after 2 long years and I didn't expect to be left halfway this way. After things ended, one day the line that I have quoted above crossed my mind. It’s said that you could simply fall in love and know each other...it seemed to be unrealistic, fake, and a typical Cinderella story type situation. When people fall in love, they don’t realize that they can't stay by the promises and they keep on assuring you that they will stand by you or something like ‘I will leave things for you if you want’ and that’s where they start growing your expectations. You start expecting because they give you expectations and according to me that was not wrong. He gave me the assurances and I kept on expecting. I kept on waiting for him to execute his promises. And he left me saying that he couldn't do the injustice to me by not giving me his 100%. Aaron didn't realize there that he made promises without thinking anything and I kept on building my castle of dreams. When he left, I decided to go ahead in my life and not sit and cry over it. I didn't want to be weak and so I was there for myself, I was there for the good.

After Aaron left me, Chad was always there for me; and when Chad left me, Aaron has been there. It seemed like an ongoing process and more like a circle where there was no loop hole to get out of. The love that I cherished at one point of time now seemed like some chase. It was supposed to be something you should enjoy and never want to get out of it rather than something you get fed up of. Now that Chad had left me and I was still eager to get back with him, Aaron on the other side kept on giving me his support out of his love and concern. The more I would try to forget Chad, I would more and more fall for him and I was the one who was getting hurt. He kept on giving me hopes and running away and I like a fool would fall for his traps. On the other I was getting addicted to Aaron’s love and pampering yet by not falling for him. I gave my heart to someone whom I couldn't have and my unrecognizable addiction was someone who loved me as well of someone whom I couldn't be with. My heart was ready to bend towards someone who didn't love me back, but also was not ready to leave someone who loved me and was supporting me throughout. My heart bows two ways as to someone whom I loved me back, and to someone who at once loved me but never loved me back again.

-Priya Mistry

4^th August 2014.